MY MARKETING JUGGERNAUT

 I have been actively marketing my legals services for 19 years. I have reached out to my potential clients through cable TV, radio, billboards (can you image having to look at my face everyday as you drive to work), print, and of course the world wide interwebs.
I can say that I have done an amazing job of convincing people that if they are hurt by someone or something, that they should call me. In fact, many people believe that if someone even looks at them the wrong way, then ALAN BARRY will not only extract a million dollars for them, but will poke out the offending party's eyes at no additional cost.
 It seems like at least once a week, someone walks in to my law firm seeking "justice"(another way of saying they think I am the lottery winnings office).
 There are all manner of claims that fit in this category. Occasionally, they actually have some unusual merit.
Take the case recently of my female client, who wanted to make room for that about to be consumed snack at a local fast food place. While ensconced on the throne in the ladies room, she sensed something moving on the wall. On closer inspection, the movement was an eyeball attached to the face of one of the minimum wage brain-surgeons working there. This clever chap had managed to create the perfect venue for satisfying his, and no doubt others needs to see "girls gone wild, on the toilet edition" This is one case where we actually got money for the client(please, no jokes about this being a crappy case).

  There are also the almost monthly meetings with new people who have had deer jump out in to the road in front of them, causing them to lose control of their car, and crash. These people at least have actual injuries, that under different circumstances would be compsensable. When I ask them who do you think we should sue, I get the standard response:"You're the lawyer, that's what I'm talking to you for!" Uh, yeah. I am still pretty good at restraining myself, and usually say something like, well, the deer is one of God's creatures. In so far as I don't have an actual address to serve the papers on God, that's a problem. But wait! On almost every corner, God has an office! I ask the potential client, which church, synagogue, or mosque, they think I should sue as the agent for God. This usually gets a reaction that is a mixture of indignation, offense and outrage, coupled with something about what a jerk I am. Keep in mind, the reason they came to see me in the first place was because they had heard that I am a legal genius.
 The last category of these cases without value(other than entertainment value) usually involve some ingestion of food that has something "foreign" in it. Now I can honestly say, I have seen everything from a from a dead rodent, to glass, unhappily hidden within processed food. My son Maximillian, the fitness and nutrition guru is just rolling his eyes here and proselytizing about the horrors of processed food. But that is a subject for another blog;his:NU-FIT.net
 And yes, there have been those few cases where someone actually bit in that that poor little mouse buried alive in their burger, But  more often then not, we hear that the person in front of us was "shocked" and "traumatized" by what they saw. Their first question is always, "how much can we sue for?"

 And when I tell them that in the absence of real damages, that they don't have a case, yep, you guessed it, they storm out of my office, calling me a jerk (is there a trend here?).
  By the way, today's specific case involves an obese(typical) woman(who by the way had 2 cell phones constantly going off during our little discussion). She had been consuming chicken fingers when she felt a pain in her throat, She reached right in there ( it sounded like she had a lot of experience at this) and retrieved what turned out to be a chicken bone.
 This bone measured all of 3 millimeters, fortunately caused her no injury, and she had not nor was she planning on getting any medical treatment. When I told her that to have a case you have to have actual damages, her response was: "ARE YOU KIDDING?!"
 So, as I said, my marketing Juggernaut is mighty, and with these kind of results, I can see that I will always be very busy.