MY MARKETING JUGGERNAUT

 I have been actively marketing my legals services for 19 years. I have reached out to my potential clients through cable TV, radio, billboards (can you image having to look at my face everyday as you drive to work), print, and of course the world wide interwebs.
I can say that I have done an amazing job of convincing people that if they are hurt by someone or something, that they should call me. In fact, many people believe that if someone even looks at them the wrong way, then ALAN BARRY will not only extract a million dollars for them, but will poke out the offending party's eyes at no additional cost.
 It seems like at least once a week, someone walks in to my law firm seeking "justice"(another way of saying they think I am the lottery winnings office).
 There are all manner of claims that fit in this category. Occasionally, they actually have some unusual merit.
Take the case recently of my female client, who wanted to make room for that about to be consumed snack at a local fast food place. While ensconced on the throne in the ladies room, she sensed something moving on the wall. On closer inspection, the movement was an eyeball attached to the face of one of the minimum wage brain-surgeons working there. This clever chap had managed to create the perfect venue for satisfying his, and no doubt others needs to see "girls gone wild, on the toilet edition" This is one case where we actually got money for the client(please, no jokes about this being a crappy case).

  There are also the almost monthly meetings with new people who have had deer jump out in to the road in front of them, causing them to lose control of their car, and crash. These people at least have actual injuries, that under different circumstances would be compsensable. When I ask them who do you think we should sue, I get the standard response:"You're the lawyer, that's what I'm talking to you for!" Uh, yeah. I am still pretty good at restraining myself, and usually say something like, well, the deer is one of God's creatures. In so far as I don't have an actual address to serve the papers on God, that's a problem. But wait! On almost every corner, God has an office! I ask the potential client, which church, synagogue, or mosque, they think I should sue as the agent for God. This usually gets a reaction that is a mixture of indignation, offense and outrage, coupled with something about what a jerk I am. Keep in mind, the reason they came to see me in the first place was because they had heard that I am a legal genius.
 The last category of these cases without value(other than entertainment value) usually involve some ingestion of food that has something "foreign" in it. Now I can honestly say, I have seen everything from a from a dead rodent, to glass, unhappily hidden within processed food. My son Maximillian, the fitness and nutrition guru is just rolling his eyes here and proselytizing about the horrors of processed food. But that is a subject for another blog;his:NU-FIT.net
 And yes, there have been those few cases where someone actually bit in that that poor little mouse buried alive in their burger, But  more often then not, we hear that the person in front of us was "shocked" and "traumatized" by what they saw. Their first question is always, "how much can we sue for?"

 And when I tell them that in the absence of real damages, that they don't have a case, yep, you guessed it, they storm out of my office, calling me a jerk (is there a trend here?).
  By the way, today's specific case involves an obese(typical) woman(who by the way had 2 cell phones constantly going off during our little discussion). She had been consuming chicken fingers when she felt a pain in her throat, She reached right in there ( it sounded like she had a lot of experience at this) and retrieved what turned out to be a chicken bone.
 This bone measured all of 3 millimeters, fortunately caused her no injury, and she had not nor was she planning on getting any medical treatment. When I told her that to have a case you have to have actual damages, her response was: "ARE YOU KIDDING?!"
 So, as I said, my marketing Juggernaut is mighty, and with these kind of results, I can see that I will always be very busy.

 

Pregnancy May be Hazardous to your job

  The joy of knowing that your pregnant is almost incomparable for soon to be parents(of course that joy can be tempered by morning sickness and other related maladies that women suffer and men claim to suffer).

One thing that we usually don't associate with pregnancy is loss of a job. Since we have become a more enlightened(not by much) Nation, we have generally adopted both laws and customs to facilitate the birthing of a child, so that one's employment is not jeopardized.

  And now, THE LAW, part 1: The Family&Medical Leave Act.

Under the FMLA, an "eligible"employee may take up to 12 workweeks of leave during 

any 12 month period for the birth of a child, and to care for a newborn child

for one or more. Generally only larger companies are subject to this Federal law,

but many smaller companies do choose to follow it as a guideline.

 THE LAW, part deux: The Americans with Disabilities Act.

 The Americans with Disabilities Act is a wide-ranging legislation intended to make American Society more accessible to people with disabilities. Title 1 applies to the employment environment.

 Business must provide reasonable accommodations to protect the rights of individuals with disabilities in all aspects of employment. Possible changes may include restructuring jobs, altering the layout of workstations, or modifying equipment. Employment aspects may include the application process, hiring, wages, benefits, and all other aspects of employment.

 So, ok. You're pregnant (and by you I mean  you the female partner, not you, the terribly suffering male partner). You've got your FMLA leave all set-up(in your mind at least), and you are thinking that the ADA will protect your physical well being and rights during your pregnancy, should your employer be anything less than considerate. And lastly, you know that should a problem arise, you can always call upon the Champion of the Taken Advantage of, Alan Barry.

 And who would think, in this day and age, that an employer would be so stupid, to either fire someone while they were pregnant, or fire them, after they have given birth , but before they return to work. Well, think again.

 A young woman came to my office recently and related that during her second the second tri-mester of her pregnancy, she developed very serious complications, requiring her to have weekly doctor visits, and often more than once a week. She always offered to make up the time, but her employer had some very strange rules about the exact time she could work. Oh, did I mention that her employer is a Hospital?! Anyway, they apparently didn't like her absences(which were all well documented by her treating doc), and about a month before she was due, they fired her.

  You, dear reader are now assuming I am going to tell you how I got her ownership of a majority interest in the hospital, right? Well, not yet. And there is a problem.

 She wasn't protected by the FMLA, as her leave time had not yet started, and the ADA does not cover pregnancy! I know if you are woman reading this, you are saying, what? Pregnancy is not a disability? What do you call swollen ankles and feet the size of basket balls?Who wrote this law, men?

 Nope, the ADA may protect my client if she has serious complications of her pregnancy, and she,with my assistance will have to wind our way through a tortured path of both State agencies, and State and Federal Courts. Of course, I think we will prevail, but in a household counting on two incomes, just when there is a new baby, a positive outcome 2 years from now will be of little comfort.

 In a related story, Victoria's Secret recently fired a woman who oversaw sales at a number of their stores in New York and Connecticut, while she was out on maternity leave, and presumably covered under the FMLA.

 In that case she alleges that she was fired while on leave. It was during that leave that she recieved a voice mail advising her of a problem condition at one of the stores she oversaw. She passed this info along to the woman assigned to cover for her while she was out. Apprently, this wasn't good enough, and she was allegedly fired for this, upon her return to work. Her case is now pending before the Connecticut agency that deals with claims like this.

 For more detailed information on this, or any other issue, feel free to email me at alan@alanbarry.com

NEW YEARS EVE RUSSIAN STYLE

Yes are arch enemies may have pounded shoes on the table at the UN, but when it comes to Tradition, The Russians, well, they know how to party. The biggest party night of the year for Russians is in fact New Years Eve, their most celebrated celebration.
I should know from wence I speak, given my familia ancestry goes back to Mother Russia to the time of The Tzars. But, it wasn't until my marriage to Tatiana Vladimirovna Latysheva Barry, that I gained  insight and understanding of our shared heritage (she being from the Lake Baikal region of Siberia.)
New Years Eve of course requires great preparation. Of course their must be the beautifully decorated tree, which is really considered The New Year tree, as most Russians, being Orthodox, celebrate Russian Christmas on Jan 7. By the way, despite the fact that we usually dismissed The Soviets as a lesser intellingent people, consider the fact that they have holiday for almost every day during January, Even with essentially the month off, The Russians still are doing pretty well.
So, I did my part(I set up my Camera equipment) and Tatiana did her part(shopping in Brooklyn, traditional cleaning of the house with tooth brush, then several days and nights of cooking , and finally setting the table seen here, etc.
It goes without saying that I dutifully consumed everything, and then some. In fact, its a miracle that I could even hit the time-released shutter to document the start to our wonderful evening together
As we like to say 

S Novym Godom!